Flowers for Snape
by Soul of Insanity
Summary: A mysterious potion leads to some rather...interesting...changes in the man we have grown to love, one Severus Snape. Happy April Fools! One shot.


My first Harry Potter story, just a humorous (at least I hope) one-shot. Hope you enjoy!

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**Flowers for Snape  
**

**

* * *

**In a darkened room two heads bent over a medium-sized workbench, which was littered with various bottles, powders, vials, and even some strewn Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Jelly Beans. Both young men worked diligently on mixing and concocting (and grimacing whenever one would get one of the less pleasant flavors of Bertie Bott's) an unknown substance with not a word spoken between them. It was as if their minds were telepathically linked as they worked over the same cauldron without error. And for those who knew these young men they would fully believe about the existing telepathic link.

Several hours passed with only the occasionally muttered 'bloody hell' to show either one them had a voice and knew how to use it. With a sudden flourish both sat back, huge grins lighting up their faces even as they worked the kinks out of their sore backs.

"Well Fred," stated one.

"Well George," replied the other.

"Let's find a guinea pig!" they shouted as one.

* * *

Harry, with Hermione in tow, trudged silently down to the dungeons. Every day in which he had Potions he would contemplate on whether or not he was insane. After all, it was Sixth Year, he needn't have taken Potions. Yet fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who you asked (one greasy git of a Professor being one prime example), he had received an 'O' on his Potions OWLS. 

Speeding up until she was alongside her moping friend, Hermione smiled. "Oh cheer up Harry! At least now you can still be an Auror. No one can stop you, not even Professor Snape."

"Until he grinds me up to use for potion ingredients," muttered Harry, glaring darkly at a couple of giggling Second Years.

Hermione rolled her eyes as the Second Years ran off like a couple of scattered mice. Honestly, they were witches! One would think a simple glare wouldn't scare them so much. "I don't know Harry," she replied thoughtfully, turning her attention back to her friend. "I just can't see Professor Snape using you in any of his potions. He'd probably be afraid that just the essence of 'Harry Potter' would ruin anything within a ten foot radius."

Harry couldn't help the slight grin that crossed over his face, but before he could give Hermione a proper response Malfoy swaggered up to him. "Still in Potions, Potter? Shame, I would have thought the Golden Boy wouldn't enjoy not getting his way all the time."

"And I would have thought that in over five years you would have realized that your opinion means less to me than an eyeless newt. In fact, the eyeless newt at least has a use in the world unlike you as it can be used as potion ingredient. Pity Malfoy, you can't even measure up to an eyeless newt now," drawled Harry with an amused smirk.

Malfoy's eyes appeared to bleed red for a second before he composed himself back into his cool and collected self.

"My my," came a smooth voice from behind Harry. "Arguing already Mr. Potter? Such a shame, but it appears I'll be taking points before class even begins. That will be five points from Gryffindor. Keep it up and perhaps you can break the record for number of points loss in a single class."

"But sir," interjected Malfoy, "Potter already holds that record."

"So it would seem," drawled Snape, staring dispassionately at Harry. He was silently daring the boy to complain, argue, whine, anything, just so he could take more points. Needless to say, he was quite disappointed when the Gryffindor did nothing but glare before stalking into the Potions classroom.

Flowing into the room with a grace that defied his normal temperament, Snape made his way towards his desk. Once there a lightheaded feeling overtook him. Inconspicuously placing a hand on his desk to balance himself, he glared at his Sixth Years. Sadly most had become quite use to his glares by now so he received very few shivers for his efforts. Oh well, his First and Second Years were still completely terrified of him. He would take whatever he could get.

The lightheaded feeling receding, Snape felt safe enough to release the desk and stalk to his board and with a quick motion of his wand, ingredients were listed on the board. "Today we will be brewing the _Unctuous Unction_ potion. Who can tell me the purpose of this potion?"

Snape managed to restrain his eyes from rolling when Hermione's hand shot straight in the air almost before the words left his mouth. Frankly, he was surprised the girl's head hadn't split open with all the information she insisted on keeping in it. And quite honestly, the vast majority of this information being useless. After all, who really needed to know what year the B.O.G. formed? In fact, who even needed to know what the B.O.G. is? And in all truthfulness, the only reason Severus knew what the B.O.G. happened to be was because he had unfortunately come upon Ms. Granger lecturing her two idiotic counterparts about why they should support the Brotherhood of Goblins for equality between all magical species. He had eavesdropped on them for five minutes in the hopes of finding something to take points off for. In the end he had run away, nearly in tears, from the sheer boredom of listening to little Miss-Know-It-All lecture.

Studiously ignoring the vigorously waving hand, Snape silently prayed for someone else to venture a guess. He would almost give points to Harry-bloody-Potter so long as he didn't have to listen to Ms. Granger go on and on and on about something no one cared about. Not even he, Severus Snape, revered Potions Master, cared to know the exact history of why and how this potion came about.

Impressing himself by holding in his sigh, Snape said, "Ms. Granger, I must ask you to cease your incessant arm waving as I can clearly see you wish to put everyone to sleep once again by answering the question. I only request that you refrain from going into the teaching profession, as you would cause a severe decline in sane students. And as we can gather from Potter, the sane student population is already on a serious decline."

Harry mumbled something incoherently under his breath when all the Slytherins let out barking laughs. Snape once again internally rolled his eyes. Yes, he was favor of his Slytherins but really, if he simply said 'Potter, you have ink on your finger' he would have gotten the same reaction out of them. Some things just never changed. And speaking of never changing…

"_Unctuous Unction_ does not work in the same way as the vast majority of potions. Rather than simply affecting the drinker, it also applies to the person who gives the potion away. Whoever you give the potion to will believe they are your best friend. It was created by Gregory the Smarmy in…"

"That is enough Ms. Granger. Five points from Gryffindor for your never ending babbling." Ignoring Granger's indignant look, he continued. "And do be careful in your brewing. The slightest mistake can cause the drinker to become so _enamored_ that they would be willing to do _anything_ the giver wishes. And I'm sure it would hurt Mr. Potter's ever increasing ego to suddenly become Mr. Malfoy's _slave_, for lack of a better term, for the duration of the potion." Sneering at the slightly panicked face of Potter, Snape waved his wand once again to fill the board with his standard cramped script. "The instructions are on the board. Begin."

Mumbling under his breath about the need for binoculars to even see the instructions, Harry slowly gathered the needed ingredients and set to work chopping and grinding spider legs.

Feeling in a particularly foul mood (he accredited it to the combined efforts of the lightheadedness followed by Granger's would-be lecture), Snape began his rounds back by Longbottom's table. When he had first heard that Longbottom had achieved an 'O' on his Potions OWL Snape very nearly had a heart attack. And then that very same day he learned Potter had also received an 'O'. That day he had come extremely close to climbing to the top of the Astronomy tower and jumping off. But since he couldn't very well end his life, or more preferably the lives of the bane of his existence, Snape chose the second best course of action.

"Pathetic Longbottom," he sneered, staring with disdain at the gooey purplish mess that was in Longbottom's cauldron. The gooey purplish mess which was supposed to be a smooth and soothing light blue. "I have First Years who can read and comprehend instructions better than you. At which step did you become confused? The second one, which says 'add crushed spider legs over a span of 3 minutes' or the third one, 'add one pinch of wormwood to achieve a light blue color'? Or is your problem simply differentiating between numbers? Shall we create a new class just for you? _The Art of Counting from One to Ten._"

Neville swallowed and tried to calm his trembling hands. Obviously he could brew potions, his 'O' testified to that, but when a sadistic greasy bat was breathing down his neck he could barely see straight, much less brew a potion. Steadying his nerves, Neville raised his eyes to meet Snape's. And froze in complete and utter fright.

He had never seen his Professor look so…terrified? But that couldn't be right; after all, Snape was the embodiment of all things terrible. The man couldn't very well be terrified of himself, could he?

Snape's eyes slowly expanded until they were as big as saucers. It…it…it couldn't be! But it was. There were…

"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!" he suddenly shrieked in a voice that sounded suspiciously like a…well, a preteen girl.

To say Neville (or the rest of the class for that matter) wasn't shocked would be the understatement of the century. Neville leapt back from his workbench with such alarm that he wound up flying into the table behind him. Luckily it was empty (over the years students have learned to keep the tables surrounding the accident prone student empty to act as an buffer for the many explosions Neville always unwittingly caused) and he merely ended up sprawled over the knocked over table. The rest of the class was frozen in awed, yet frightened, silence. Even the Slytherins were stunned into silence. Their Head of House, the most feared Professor of the school (Slytherins were mighty proud of that, you could be sure), was _screaming._

Snape, oblivious to all around him, raised one shaking finger to Neville's hastily abandoned workbench. "T-t-t-t-t-th-th-th-there a-a-a-re SPIDERS!" Turning his panic filled face to the nearly hyperventilating Neville, he continued. "You were CRUSHING them! Boys are _DISGUSTING!_"

And with that epiphany, the class was broken free from their stupor. Harry nearly lost consciousness with how hard he was laughing and even Malfoy was having a hard time restraining his amusement at his extremely distraught professor. The remaining students chuckled with dark amusement at their uptight Potions Professor practically in hysterics and Neville finally achieved enough confidence to stand back up. Hermione was the sole student who made it a point to try and regain order in the classroom.

Tentatively walking up the Professor Snape, she said in a soft voice, "Professor? The uh…spiders…you know, they have to be crushed for the potion. And uh…you know…you are kinda a boy…er…man…"

Snape turned a cold and piercing gaze to the bumbling girl. "I am so honored that you have realized I am a man Ms. Granger. Now do you have any other awe inspiring information to impart upon us, or are you finished?"

Hermione froze. "Uh…no sir…I think I'll uh…go sit down now…" She quickly made her way back to her seat, the whole time expecting a hex or curse to come shooting at her from the angry professor. He was the same cold and angry person he always was! But barely a minute ago he was screaming. Over _spider legs_. And now here he was, acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Besides of course the fact that one of his students had testified to the fact that he was in fact, a man.

Snape's eyes scanned his classroom. He saw the knocked over table behind Longbottom and the rest of the students trying in vain to hold in their laughter. Granger collapsed into her chair, probably thankful to still be alive. He had the suspicious feeling that something happened he wasn't aware of, but no matter how hard he pried into his memory he couldn't think of it. Well, first things first.

"You will cease this laughter immediately and continue work on your brewing. Those who still feel the need to laugh will be docked points. This also applies to all Slytherins." Hm, no one ever said Snape responded well to the unknowing. He had never before threatened to take points from his own house. But his threat worked wonders. Within five seconds of the words leaving his mouth his class was once again working in silence. He sure did love threats. In fact, he should draw a cute picture of the word "Threats" and hang it up in his classroom.

And with that unwanted thought Snape very nearly lost his breakfast. Draw a _cute _picture? Snape was sure he had never uttered the word "cute" in his entire life. The very thought of that word made him nauseous. Something odd was going on, that he was sure of it. And he would figure it out. But in the meantime he had students to scare and potions to ridicule. Ah, what a lovely job he had.

He set his eyes on Potter. Yes, Potter definitely had something to do with what was going on. He glided up to the working student and bore holes in the back of his bent head.

Feeling a heated glare on his head, Harry looked up from where he was studiously stirring his potion. He had to count out precisely 33 clockwise strokes, then immediately switch and count 22 counterclockwise strokes. He hated potions. Waiting for the insults to start, Harry stared defiantly back at his most hated professor.

Snape's eyes slowly roved from Harry's eyes, to his hair, to his scar. With a strangled cry he leapt back from Harry's table and clutched frantically at Hermione's arms. "Look!" he whispered urgently, yet still in a voice loud enough to be heard by everyone. "It's Harry Potter! HARRY POTTER! Ohmygod I can't believe it's him!"

Hermione made a noise that sounded oddly like someone throwing up in their own mouth. The meanest, most spiteful, professor in the school (or perhaps the world) was clutching her arm and squealing about _Harry Potter_. If she didn't recall how much it hurt accidentally hitting her shoulder against a corner (she had been running late for Arithmancy this morning so she had been rushing) she would have sworn she was having a nightmare. But no, she would bet her entire collection of books that this was actually happening.

"Look! Look! You're not looking!" Snape said in frustration. "It's him!" he continued once Hermione gave in and looked at her friend. The potions professor was oblivious to the fact that he was a 30-something man who many students claimed had to have vampire in his bloodline at some point (in Second Year Seamus had snuck a crucifix into Potions so they were pretty sure Snape wasn't a vampire himself). "Do you think he'd sign something for me?"

Malfoy was entirely disturbed at this point. It was bad enough having his professor scream over a spider, but now to be practically salivating over Potter? It was sickening. "What did you do Potter? Curse him so you'd have a chance of passing this year?"

Seeing Snape straighten back up Malfoy relaxed back against his seat. Perhaps now there could be some high quality Potter ridiculing and class could proceed as normal.

"You evil boy! How dare you insult Harry Potter! He would never curse anyone!" shouted Snape indignantly while waving one long finger at Malfoy.

Malfoy let out a loud groan and slammed his head against his table. What in the _world_ was going on?

Harry leaned back in his chair and grinned casually. Yes, it was slightly concerning having their evil, sadistic, and overly sarcastic potions professor acting like a young child. On second thought, it was brilliant. Sure, he wasn't particularly fond of having a greasy git wanting to hug him…

Harry abruptly turned to Hermione and asked her, "'Mione, do you know where we could find a camera?"

Looking puzzled for a second, Hermione's eyes suddenly lit up. "I have one in my room but I don't think I could get back here in time for it to be of any use. We don't know how long until he switches back."

Overhearing the two talk, Neville joined them. "You need a camera? I was taking some pictures of plants in Herbology this morning and I still have my camera on me. Want to borrow it?"

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Harry, jumping up. "Can you give it to Hermione?" Seeing Neville nod, Harry turned his attention to his professor and held out his hand. "Hello, I'm Harry Potter."

Shrieking and clapping his hands in glee, Snape clutched Harry's hand and grinned a toothy smile. "Hi! I'm Severus! I can't believe I'm meeting you!"

"Pleasure's all mine," replied Harry smoothly, knowing he was walking a fine line between life and death. If his professor happened to switch back now it would be hell on earth. "Would you like a picture with me?"

Snape's jaw dropped, but then he quickly recovered. "YES!"

"Ok, my friend Hermione will take the picture, she's right over there," said Harry, turning so he was facing his snickering friend. Oh, this was entirely too good to be true.

Snape went to Harry's side and when Hermione was about to snap the picture he suddenly grabbed Harry around his neck and hugged the nearly hysterical boy tightly. Grinning brightly, he waited until the flash went off before releasing Harry and jumping up and down like a small child on a sugar rush.

"I got a picture with Harry Potter!" he squealed in such a high-pitched voice that Harry inwardly cringed. "I got a picture with HARRY POTTER!"

"And I'm positive it will be a most wondrous picture," came a calm voice barely reigning in its amusement from the doorway of the potions classroom. Albus Dumbledore stood in the doorway, the twinkle plainly evident within his eyes. If someone had once told him he would one day witness Severus Snape jumping in glee to have gotten a picture with Harry Potter he would have laughed merrily and asked to get a signed copy. After all, one could never pass up such a fine opportunity for blackmail. In fact, he made a mental note to ask Ms. Granger for a copy once she had the pictures developed. "And now my dear boy, I believe it would be to the benefit of your future career here at Hogwart's to remove you from this classroom."

Snape's eyes grew big and watery at this request from Dumbledore. "But…but…sir! It's _Harry Potter!"_ he said in a stage whisper. "How could I leave…what _IS_ everyone doing out of their seats? Do you imbeciles not realize what the implication of leaving your potions unattended could produce?"

Hermione promptly hid the camera behind her back before Snape could set his focus on and confiscate it. She was just happy that they got the picture before he switched back from…_whatever_…it was he had become.

Harry efficiently hid his very amused grin. He put his hands behind his back (and out of Snape's line of sight) and swirled one finger around in the 'this man is cracked! Insane! Bonkers! gesture. In his peripheral vision he could see Malfoy glower. His lips spasmed slightly but he still managed to contain his smile.

His gaze darkening considerably, Snape's eyes scanned his classroom. They settled on Potter. At least one thing would come out right from this situation he was in. These unpleasant black spots in his memory were rather unwelcome but he'd figure out what was going on at a later time. Right now he had more important matters to attend to. "Mr. Potter. Ten points from Gryff…"

Snape glared at the elderly wizard when Dumbledore laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Severus, I do believe the students are not at fault at this point. Something quite…unfortunate has happened…and I do believe it is best for you to come with me for the remainder of the day."

"Headmaster, I deem myself quite capable of controlling my students, no matter how inept they are in potions."

Not bothered in the least, Dumbledore said, "Severus, I must request rather emphatically that it is imperative you come with me."

Snape glared at Potter. He knew it, every bit of his body, from his blood to his brain to bones, even his little pinky toe knew it, and that was that the meddlesome little twerp had something to do with _whatever_ was going on. And he didn't like it. 'Potter, you are looking more and more like a candidate for a potion ingredient. Perhaps you can vanquish Voldemort after all. All I need to do is make a potion with you in it, give it to him, and he'll burn in agony.' He truly wished to say that out loud. But with Dumbledore in the room he wouldn't dare threaten a student like that, not even The-Boy-Who-Refused-To-Die. Bloody Potter must have cat in his blood for he had to have been gifted with nine lives, much to the chagrin of Severus. But cats were cute…and Potter was cute…and… 'GREAT BLOODY MERLIN! _WHAT_ am I _thinking_?'

Clearing his throat, Severus said, "Very well Albus. Cancel all my remaining classes for the day."

Smiling in an easy victory, Dumbledore turned to the students. "Well my dear students, you heard him. You are dismissed."

And with a loud cheer (of which Severus found himself biting his lip to keep from joining in on) the sixth year potions students left the room.

* * *

"He did _WHAT!_" Ron practically shouted when he met Harry and Hermione in the Great Hall for dinner. 

Grinning, Harry said, "You heard right. Hermione got a picture of Snape _hugging_ me."

"Weren't you, I don't know, nauseous?"

"It was a rather unnerving experience, but what can I say, it was definitely worth it. Ron, don't you understand? We have _picture_ of Snape _hugging _ME!"

"Yeah, that's bloody brilliant," agreed Ron. "But still, how did you not throw up?"

"Oh Ron," said Hermione, "get your mind off that and think of more important matters. Why is Snape acting like that?"

Ron shrugged. "Who cares? If Snape isn't being his usual greasy git then it's fine with me."

Harry rolled his eyes when his two best friends began arguing about whether or not Snape going insane was good or bad. He then nearly choked on his roll. "Um…hey…you guys?" he ventured, hoping they would hear him. No such luck. It was a full-fledged argument by now for Hermione was onto how important Snape was for their education. So grabbing his fork, he jabbed Ron in the side with it.

"OW!" he yelped. "What was that for Harry?"

Pointing with his fork to the aisle down the middle of the Great Hall, he said, "Just look. I'm seriously disturbed."

And so Ron and Hermione looked.

And saw Snape. But not just any old Snape. No, this Snape was decked from head to foot with garlands of flowers. He had even woven little pink flowers through his greasy hair. And was carrying a big basket of flowers. And was throwing them on the floor. While _skipping_.

Ron's jaw flapped a few times. Then, "Uh guys…is he humming?"

Hermione dumbly nodded. It was testament to how odd this sight was for even the normally even headed Hermione was struck speechless.

The Slytherins stared in horror at their regressed Head of House. Just how were they supposed to rule the school in fear when their frightening Head was skipping? With flowers no less?

No one else had the Slytherin problem. Most of Gryffindor broke out in laughter and soon Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff followed suit. Even the professors were having a hard time reigning in the amusement.

"Flowers!" sung Snape in a horrid off-key note. "Flowers for everyone! Pretty pretty flowers! Pretty pretty pretty pink flowers! Flowers for everyone! Flowers, flowers, flowers, flowers, flowers!"

Dumbledore finally stood up and went down to meet Snape.

"Dumbly-dore, do you like flowers?" asked Snape in a sickenly sweet voice.

"My dear child, I absolutely love flowers. So come, let me show you to a place where we have lots of very pretty flowers. Would you like a lemon sherbet?"

"Candy! I like candy! Thank you Dumbly-dore," squealed Snape, throwing his arms around the Headmaster in an impromptu hug.

"Thank you Severus," murmured Dumbledore. "Now come with me so the students can return to eating."

As Dumbledore led the hyper Snape out of the Great Hall, Snape took it upon himself to say bye to everyone he passed.

"Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!" he said while waving his free arm wildly. At a few of the boys he even gave them one of his flowers. Malfoy was disgusted when Snape gave him a particularly big flower.

"Dumbly-dore, this boy is cute," giggled Snape while pointing his finger at Malfoy. "What's his name?" he asked, his cheeks a bright shade of pink.

"That would be Draco," answered Dumbledore kindly. "Now come Severus, we must be going." And once again he started his long trek down the Great Hall.

"Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! BYE HARRY POTTER! I LOVE YOU!" he shouted upon sight of the green-eyed boy.

Dumbledore greatly sped up.

"Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!"

Dumbledore sped up more.

"Byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebye!"

And finally, they were gone.

And finally, the Great Hall erupted into great bouts of laughter.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

A few days later, Harry received a letter, which Hedwig delivered at breakfast. Opening it, he read it while Ron and Hermione looked over his shoulder.

_Harry our boy! _

_How goes it at Hogwarts? We're sure the school is greatly missing our presence as well as the joy and happiness we wrought upon it in our almost 7 years there. And seeing how that was the case, we gave you a custom made prank. We're sure you have already experienced it and we are quite eager to hear how it went. Do you perchance recall a certain professor acting oddly a few days back? Yes, that would be our handiwork. We spent a full three days working on that potion and with hope it was successful. If your favorite professor was acting as if he regressed in age, and possibly changed sex, then it was successful. It was a bit hard slipping it into his morning pumpkin juice, but then we didn't have the Marauder's Map for so many years without remembering many, if not most, of its passages. One quick trip to the kitchens, and voila! Mission accomplished. And so our dear Harry; if you could be so kind as to tell us how our prank worked we would very much appreciate it. After all, one can never pass up the opportunity to market it to the masses!_

_Without further adieu,_

_Freg and Georfe Weasley_

Harry turned to Ron, and clapping his friend on the shoulders, said, "Ron, your brothers are brilliant."

* * *

The following week Severus walked into his classroom to find a mysterious envelope on his desk. Quickly checking in for any hexes, and finding none, he picked it up with his bony fingers and opened it. Upon pulling out a sheet of paper from the envelope all color that he had drained from his face. Then soon enough rage replaced the ashen look of before. 

For someone had delivered a picture of him, the most feared professor of the school and self-proclaimed hater of The-Boy-Who-Would-Die-In-Five-Minutes, hugging said boy. And he was _grinning_.

Flipping the picture over, he saw written on the back:

_In the future you might want to be more aware of what you're drinking along with your pumpkin juice. For some very unwanted potions could find their way into your drink. Just a hint of advice for the future._

_PS: You look very dashing covered in flowers._

_

* * *

The End _


End file.
